Daddy's Home

First and foremost growing up without a dad wasn't all bad. Yes there are still times where I watch a movie, walk in the mall, or end up in public places watching the interaction between father and son and wish I had that. When I was younger, I learned early that "Dad" is a term I would never had the pleasure of using. Growing up with little male authority around made me kinda create an oppositional defiant behavior. I acted out in school, especially with male teachers. Now, my mother did marry my sister's father, he left when I was in the 7th grade. Again, showing me how a MAN, a FATHER, a DAD was something that was not suppose to be apart of my upbringing. I can say this, the men that were involved in my life, my uncles and my grandfather did a very good job of substituting, a very good job, but they were not my father. Here's what I know about my father, and I use that term loosely for this blog, only as a way to identify the man who impregnated my mother. He is a 40 something year old man. No, I honestly do not know his birthday. Never cared to. He has 2 other children, my older brother and my little sister. He is not married. He caused my grandparents to sell their home in Great Neck, NY because he failed to upkeep the house. In my whole athletic career he has seen me play a total of 5 games and even that is being VERY generous. This guy, not a man, other than that, is a total mystery to me. My little sister is growing up with someone I never knew. I promised myself this, I would never, NEVER speak ill of my father to my baby sister or would I say anything degrading about him in her presence. When she is old, if she asks me "Why do you and Daddy don't speak" I will tell her about the "father" that I know. This past fall, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Surgery was around Thanksgiving. Did I call? No, I honestly was not concerned for this man's life. My ONLY concern was for my sister. IF he had died, how she would have to grow up without a father so young. Does your opinion of me change now? This man has been nothing to me my entire life, so his death wouldn't have shook me one bit. I can honestly say, if he died tomorrow, I wouldn't shed a tear. As I write this, I realize that I'm holding on to alot of anger and bitterness to my father. He was my greatest influence growing up. You want to hear something funny, he attended the same college I did. He didn't finish, I did. He had kids before 23, I didn't. Everything he did in his life, I did the opposite just to prove to myself that I would never become him. To give you a better understanding of where all this comes from, here's the most recent of many stories. This past winter my little sister calls me and we're talking. KC is 6. Yea, I have a 6 year old sister. She's talking to me about what she's been doing in school and what she wants for Christmas. Then she asks me "Brudder, do you still want your Legos?" I paused. Now, KC and I have never had a conversation about LEGOs before. The only people in the family that knows or remember that I used to love them are my uncle, my grandmother and my father. Now in 1994 my father, who promises the world, but delivers nothing promised me a LEGO castle set. Never seen it, never heard the reason why I didn't receive it. He just laughed it off and I never got it. My uncle and I had a conversation in 2002 about my father. During that conversation, I explained to my uncle that me and his brother would never be close, never be anything more than just two people with the same last night. The LEGO comment I made to my uncle was this "And I still want my damn LEGO, we aint gonna be cool til then" My uncle tells my father this, he calls me about it or asks me about it during that fall. I told him yea, I still want my LEGOs. Now again, this was way back in 2002. Fast forward back to 2011, this petty, bitter old man tells my sister, who is completely unaware and innocent to the fact of our relationship or lack there of, asks me "Brudder, do you still want your LEGOs?" This man for whatever reason knew the only way he could get to me was through his daughter of 6 years of age. I just told KC, "No KC, i dont want them". After I hung up with her, the first thing I did was call Rachel J. I explained to her to tell her son that NEVER to involve my sister in OUR business. Just the thought that he would even use her that way pissed me off. As usual, Rachel was defending her son with no logic. I've come accustom to her defending him. Everyone makes excuses for him not being there as a father. Does it hurt? Hell yea it hurts knowing that your father did not want to be apart of your life, but I will say I am grateful in a way. I learned how to be man living through it all. I learned what not to do from that guy. He showed me every way to fuck a kid's life. I swore to myself that I will NEVER be the Father to run out of my kids life. The only way I will not be in my child's life is DEATH. So while this war of no wars continues with me and him, I grow in age and set in my ways. Will me and him ever speak again, it's highly unlikely. I just know, I have an obligation to my son, my daughter to be a better father than I didn't have. I might not have said it as a child, but I'll hear it from my kids. "Daddy's Home"