Lately

When I first started out with the idea of this blog, I wanted to be writing something daily. If not daily, then at least once a week at the minimum. Turns out I have enough excuses to sink the Titanic on why I haven't been back here in awhile. To catch you all up to speed on what has been going on with me: New position at work, new apartment with my brother, began focusing more on daily self-improvement, oldest brother is engaged, big sister is a doctor, oldest brother is having another child (a boy), grandmother is doing well and yes, I am still single. Had few affairs during the Spring, nothing to major. Oh, how can I forgot one major event, I actually have mild communication with my father, yes, I can say "father" in reference to who he is not how he is.  We are planning this major sit down to clear the air once and for all. I have yet to pick the time. I am just not 100% ready to do it. It is just that simple. Am I afraid? Possibly. I sit and think sometimes: "Do I really need this man in my life at all?". A lot of close friends tell me yes, deep down inside, I want it, I really do, but I honestly know I can not handle another ounce of disappointment from him. I just feel like over the course of my life to many chances has been given to a lot of people and I have been burned to many times. Now I am of the age where I am comfortable in who I am as a person, but I am working to improve on those areas I need to, and I just do not have the time, energy or emotion to spear. Every once and a while I get lost in my own thoughts of family, relationships, career, friends and other personal goals I have yet to achieve and wonder if I will have the things I want. At age 27 I would have thought I would have been married by now. SHOCKING, yes, even I wanted to married by age 24/25 at the latest. In my mental time line, I am a few years off course in a lot of areas. My pride, my lack of focus, my selfishness, my fears are all the excuses I use to tell myself this is why I have not obtain the things I wanted. True is, I have no excuse. Moving forward, I am working towards personal growth in 3 areas: Mind, Body, Soul. Mind. I am working hard at work to learn more about the position. I am trying to rethink how I view things, how I react to things, how I process things. Putting myself second, my opinions second, not making myself the main focus is something that I am working on. IT IS VERY TOUGH. Body. I have been taking better care of my self over the past 2 years. I have been eating better and been working out mildly. I physically see a change in my overall health and shape. Soul. I have picked up my bible for the past weeks and started to read Palms. A verse a day. It sounds small but it has open my eyes to a lot of the things I was "confessing" with my mouth. Over the past couple of weeks I have worked on watching what I say and tweet. Realizing now the power in words, I should have been more careful about how and what I say. I still remember to this day me telling everyone back in middle school and early high school I wanted to be a single parent. Clearly now that is not the case. Learning what to say and what not to say feels like it is a lesson learned a little late, but learning is never something that happens to late. Well I am not going to bore you any longer. It felt good to get some of this out. I am working on being more consistent with these posts. Maybe next time I will complain about not being in love, searching for it, not finding it and missed opportunities with it.

Peace.