Dawson and Joey

Well if you really know me, you should’ve seen this one coming. I just want to give notice to the one true love of my life. Crystal Noelle Johnson. She is and will always be the number one lady (other than Rachel Johnson) in my life. She has been there with me through most of the toughest and lowest points of my life. Honestly, she might be the only female that I have loved unconditionally. This is my best friend for those who do not know this name. Now when I say this, I mean it in the truest and most endearing form possible. I can not remember a time when we were together that we were not 10 inches away from each other. In high school, people tend to forget that I was dating her cousin, they used to think we were dating! It was kind of funny though. One of the most vivid conversation I remember having with my high school sweet heart was about Crystal’s and my relationship with each other. I told her, “Yes I love Crystal more than you. After we break up, she still will be there with me.” To this day she has never left my side. Me and Crystal have a plan for life. Basically here’s the plan. If we get married, NOTHING CHANGES! Her husband will eventually come to the understanding that it’s his role to make her happy the best he can, BUT it’s NO replacement for me, as well as my wife. Does this type of relationship hinder us from dating other people? Hell no. I will say this though, if she does not approve of someone I dated, it usually didn’t last. She can just read the women I date. She’s okayed maybe 2 people that I’ve talked to. She tries to come off as intimidating to the women I get romantically involved with. It’s really funny because she’s really not that tough! I remember her coming to my apartment on day in college, I had someone over. She walks in, looks at the girl, then walks into my room and closes the door. I thought it was the funniest thing ever. She did not greet the girl nor gave her the chance to greet her! Crystal is a bully! Her favorite line “Who is this chicken head in your apartment?” She swore I only messed with “Chicken Heads”. I remember our freshman year she told me her little cousin was “OFF LIMITS”. Now I had the biggest crush on her cousin. She was clearly my type. Light skinned, smart, beautiful, great since of humor and did I mention beautiful?! As soon as I told Crystal I had a thing for her cousin, she went into big sister mood! “No, you’re to immature to date her” She as always was right. Years later me and her still have this same relationship. I have rarely liked anyone she dated. Maybe 2 of the guys she has talked to I approved of. The sorry ass dudes that I told her were sorry asses, they stuck around longer than I would’ve liked, but she woke up. When my grandfather passed, she was the 2nd person I called. The only reason why she was number 2 is because it was late at night and I knew she would be just as hurt as I was. When I say my grandfather loved her, he loved himself some Crystal. My family loves her to death. My uncle Anthony calls her “Brown Sugar”. High school graduation was a very awkward day for me. For graduations, Rachel Johnson goes into full grandmother mode and throws parties. Now through out my graduation party I had to explain to everyone EVERYONE that Crystal was not my girlfriend but my BEST FRIEND, while my GIRL FRIEND was there at my party as well! Yea, awkward. I think during college is where our relationship hit a new level though. Well for me anyway. It started the day in high school where she told me she was going to USC. Honestly in my mind, I think she stayed in state for me. Not to sound conceded. Let me give you my reasoning so you can see it from my point of view. Our senior year, our college plans were to go to schools in the same area. Crystal’s school of choice was Maryland. So of course, like the “GOON” I am, I asked her what’s the black college nearest Maryland. HOWARD was her reply. So that was our original plan. She was to attend Maryland and I was to attend Howard. After slacking on my applications my last option that presented it’s self was Benedict. Now here’s something you might not not about Crystal. She was one of the top ATHLETES in South Carolina. I’m going to keep it real. She was robbed our senior year as female athlete of the year! She received several offers from other schools. USC was one of those offers. After I told her that I got an offer for Benedict to play football, she was still debating on Maryland and other schools. She chose USC over Maryland. Honestly in my heart believed that she choose USC over Maryland so that we could be together. Now I could be wrong, she could have been sold on USC after her visit. I just believe our bond is that strong. College was great time for us. Having my best friend play for a D1 university was one the best experiences ever. Home games when I did not have to practice, I would attend with one of my teammates and watch her play. The cool thing about Crystal, she accepted my friends for who there were. My friends and her teammates where NOT of the same up bringing, I’ll just simple put it like that. She would invite them to parties that she had and it would be a very interesting time to say the least. I remember during our freshman year she cut her hair, she knew how I felt about her and her hair. I stopped talking to her for a month! Then she had the nerve to hit me with the most overly used line by women “It’ll grow back”. Honestly that probably was our first fight that lasted that long. I can not ever remember not talking to her. I would go over to her dorm room and just fall asleep. I remember in high school when my grandparents went out of town, she would come spend the night. Our first dinner together we TRIED to fry chicken. I’m just going to leave it like that, TRIED. I can proudly say that Crystal Noelle Johnson is going to be a Doctor in 2012! I can not wait! 1. Cause I have not seen her in close to 2 years. Yes it’s been that long since I have physically seen her. I totally understand the sacrifice she is making to attain her dreams and her goals. I have truly found my soulmate in my best friend. She understands me completely and judges me not at all. So to my best friend, my soulmate Crystal Noelle Johnson I LOVE YOU STUPIDHEAD.

Trust vs Love

This morning it was a tweet that caught my attention. So I retweeted as so: RT @MrRAJohnson: RT @BrandNu11: TRUST is a big thing, right?< I’d put trust 3rd. 1. Love 2. Attraction 3. Trust::. I honestly believe that you love someone before you trust them and not only do you love them before you trust them, your love blinds your trust. It was one of my followers who totally disagreed with me. Matter fact, it was two of them. Now personally, I know them, but I don’t know their relationship history, but I can guarantee that in their past relationship that they loved some so unconditionally that TRUSTED their partners to be faithful. Now my question to these two young ladies… Are you dealing with someone new in your life or is the very first person you loved? Trust can come and go and it has to be earned. Love grows. In a realistic sense, you can lose trust but once you lose love, it’s over. For those who think trust is the most important thing in a relationship, I respect it. I just don’t agree with it.

Are Hoes Really Out Here Winning?

I think before we tackle the question at hand I think we must first define the affectionate term hoe. I will add the declaimer that this term can have different meanings to different people and that both men and women can be hoes, however bc I refuse to be a man basher I will only focus on women. I personally do not think the number of partners you have automatically deem you a hoe, I do, however believe the quality and circumstances in which you find these partners can make you a hoe. As a woman, I believe that some of my female counterparts have NO respect for the gift God has given them. They are willing to give into everyman they meet: married, single, whatever. Additionally i think age plays a large factor. To be promiscuous at the ages of 18-23 is called being misguided and experimenting with your sexuality, but to proudly call yourself a buss it baby and to willingly be a side piece at 25+ gets a HUGE side eye from me.  You obviously are lonely and have no love for yourself. At some point the sleeping around gets lonely. 
I know this from personal experience. It's coo to believe you can sleep with any man you want, I mean men aren't complicated creatures when it comes to sex, but do you honestly want to hold yourself to such low standards?I became fed up with the promiscuity at 22. I will say sleeping around does have its thrills, but after a while sex becomes just sex. Even good sex starts to become meaningless and less than enticing. I always prided myself in being able to separate sex from love but after a while I wanted my sex to be an expression of love. Unfortunately you can not do that if you're sleeping around. It comes back to a saying me and my bff coined "Its not about who your fucking, it's about who's waking up and going to bed with you every night. It's about who will consistently be there thru the good and bad ". The probability of finding that while sleeping w 2 or 3 men is slim to none, so I decided that I would take on a self imposed "celibacy". I place it in quotations bc sometimes you need that ole thang back. I basically decided I wasn't going to have any more partners until I found someone who could possibly fulfill the requirements of being there during the day and night. Me doing this came to a shock to several of my friends. However, it wasn't difficult. I just decided to put my energy into other things including me,myself and I. When I did stumble upon someone who could take on that day and night job, I made the choice to put energy into that. It has paid off pretty well. I won't lie and say that my life is rainbows and butterflies now or that temptation doesn't still present itself, but what I will say is that I am in the learning process of understanding self control. I think it has to do with knowing your worth. When you know what you deserve, you refuse to lower your self worth. That holds true whether your single, dating, or in a relationship. So back to the original question...are hoes really out here winning? In my opinion definitely not. Former free spirits may be winning, hoes always find themselves on the losing and lonely side.  

A Piece of My Mind

I have struggled immensely with figuring out who I am, better yet how I fit in the world. My therapist told me that I am overly introspective. I take on everyones pain, try to fix it, and struggle to find a voice for myself. I wholeheartedly agree. I am a black woman who has found herself in a unique position. I've had the opportunity to experience various socio-economic classes in America. I grew up lower-middle class with friends who were either lower-middle class or in poverty themselves. College took me to the world of the upper-middle class and was an experience that changed my life.


I never realized how poor, how uncultured I was until I went to college. Yes my parents did create experiences for my brother and I that took us out of our neighborhood, but it wasn't until college that everything was placed into perspective. I was the exception not the rule. The fact that I ended up at a prestigious private university while many of my peers did not made me unique. This experience made going home difficult. Once your eyes become open to the bigger picture, it is hard to see and accept close-mindedness. NW Indiana, particularly EC is filled with people who have never travelled off their block, let alone city, state or country. By no means am I bashing or under-minding where I'm from. I love my home and know that experiences in my childhood undoubtedly shaped the woman I have become. However, one becomes aware of this and starts to understand the hopelessness and depression many people back home suffer from even if they don't realize it. If you're never allowed to see the world, then your world becomes small. You begin to live in a state of a deferred dream. I often pray and hope that whatever God has in store for me involves helping people realize that regardless of what you're situation may be, your dream never has to be deferred.


I thought when I graduated college that I had seen it all. That I was "cultured". I had successfully prevailed in an environment that was foreign to me without assimilating or losing my "blackness". Again I was fooled when I moved to Atlanta for grad school. Atlanta is black Hollywood. The young black elite (and ratchet) flourish here and that was something I had never seen. At the same time I was in an academic program at a high class prestigious private university where I was the token surrounded by foreigners of european and Asian decent. Their ideal of what American and what Black American is, was deeply tainted by the media. So I had no choice but to become a poster child. I often wonder do white americans ever feel the pressure of being a poster child or representative for their race. I've had so many people tell me I shouldn't feel that way but it's difficult when you're constantly conscious of your blackness. I love my blackness and think it is beautiful but I often feel the double vail that W.E.B DuBois writes about in Souls of Black Folk( if you haven't read this book I recommend it). I think my current experiences in grad school have started to make me upset w black folk. Why? Bc honestly the world is our oyster yet we often chose to blame others for our demise. Maybe I'm insensitive but in 2011 there are no excuses to not become successful. Yes I know the system is screwed up, but at some point we have to take a stand and take responsibility for the state of our community! I believe that the roll of the talented 10th( whether they exist or not is debatable) is to help the other 90% which we deem "blind". Everyone has become so self and money centered. What good is it to have wealth if your wealth or riches fail to help someone else? I'm starting to ramble so I think I'll end with this: I am a black woman trying to find herself in a chaotic world that before I am born has wrote me off BUT in the words of Zora Neale Hurston:

" I AM NOT tragically colored. There is no great sorrow dammed up in my soul, nor lurking behind my eyes. I do not mind at all. I do not be long to the sobbing school of Negrohood who hold that nature somehow has given them a lowdown dirty deal and whose feelings are all but about it. Even in the helter skelter skirmish that is my life, I have seer that the world is to the strong regardless of a little pigmentation more of less. No, I do not weep at the world!!I am too busy sharpening my oyster knife."

Sex vs Love

I am currently single and yes I openly admit to “talking” to multiple women. One thing I totally over is lying. I am up front with everyone I “talk” to. My twitter page is a perfect displace of my relationship intent. I rarely use my DM. I prefer to put everything out there for everyone I’m dealing with to see. Now, I have told a few women that I do like them, which is the truth. I like multiple women. It’s only a few of the women that I do like that I would actually get into a relationship with. Commitment aside, I have no clue why I continue to attack the whole relationship thing this way. Maybe I don’t want, maybe subconsciously I’m not ready. Then I send out texts and BBMs to women, some in relationships already with every intention of making this person like me, purse me and fall for me. You will be surprised how many of my followers I have “pursed” and have pictures in my blackberry. Not bragging, just being honest. The whole Sex vs Love issue is something I no longer struggle with. I can now clearly detach all emotion, feeling and romantic interest from someone and have sex with her. Sex isn’t something I get into a relationship for. This might come as a major shock, but I don’t even count my partners anymore. It’s pointless. One of my friends asked me a couple weeks ago, “R.A. how many people have you slept with”. My response? I had none. I stopped counting a long time ago. This also has affected my thought process on Love. My past isn’t one of the cleanest in the world when it comes to sex. No, not std wise, I’ve been blessed enough to NEVER have one. It’s just that some of the acts I preformed and “adventures” that were had sexually in my 26 years are some that would shame most people. For a lack of a better term, a hoe. I had sex for rent money, no, seriously, among other things. True story, before the picnic in 08’ I went to one of the female’s apartment I was dealing with, NOT MY Girlfriend’s, had sex with her, then asked her for money for the picnic. Don’t believe me, ask my LB. That’s just one of the more PG13 stories. Do I regret having to do these things, not really, hell, I was having sex, I was good at it and at the end of it all, I was filling a need I had at the time. I haven’t had to live that life style in a couple of years and do not plan on going back. Finding love is what’s been my mission for the past couple of years. Sex is something that I’ve had a lot of, I know I’m not missing out on anything if I go without it for ia few. Hopefully I’ll be able to find it soon, Love and Sex.

Chemistry

As I’ve stated before, I’m a chemist and I’m working in my doctorate. Sounds fancy huh? It’s not, it just means that I pretend to work long hours and get paid next to nothing in order to make the next big scientific discovery. The odds of me discovering something big is slim to nothing. I have better chances hitting the lottery. I like to describe my “experience” as a grad student as a mixture between slavery and indentured servitude. My boss, a Welsh man, has undoubtedly NEVER met, talked to or been around a black woman and my coworkers mostly white and asian men find black women scary and a big mystery. To say the least, I have become the poster child for black women all over the world….lucky me… I spend most of my days drinking coffee, pretending to do research and reading the “latest” scientific literature. Boring huh? Yes, This has been my life for the last 3 years. Smh I will hopefully be given my freedom papers in 2013 then I can become a pompous asshole and force everyone to call me doctor. The fact that my “job” is boring is not why I hate it, I hate it because of the arrogant assholes I work with. The problem with scientists is that they ALWAYS think they are correct and are constantly trying to prove how much smarter they are compared to someone else. It’s like ive died and gone to geek heaven. Now don’t get me wrong I am a certified geek, I just happen to be cute and have people skills :). But the vast majority of my peers are awkward and have no idea what is happening in the world outside of the lab we work in. I am convinced we need a reality show called “The Secret Lives of Chemists” bc these ppl are a mess. Professors dating students, grad students sleeping with undergrads, and professors sabotaging other professors careers. All of this in the name of science, which they consider God. Now don’t get me wrong, I love chemistry, I love science, but I refuse to make it my life. Some of my coworkers and profs have left their wives and children all bc they love chemistry that much. I’m sorry but chemicals can’t do what a man can and I’ll leave it at that. I know one day I will look back on all of this and laugh so I try to see the bigger picture. Grad school is temporary but the degree and knowledge I gain from it no one will ever be able to take away from me.

The Power of Forgiveness

We have all been taught to forgive and forget. But I wonder how many of us have truly practiced it? I know myself that I am guilty of saying I forgave someone but constantly beating the fact that I haven’t forgotten their actions over their head.

Example: It has taken me years, literally years for me to forgive my ex of something he said to me back in 2006. (I realize that was 5 years ago) He said, and I quote “You are not the one” At the time I was 19 and that crushed my entire world. For a long time I held those words against him and because of that allowed for our entire relationship be dictated and deteriorate because of my inability to forgive and forget. 5 years later I can happily say that I have forgiven him and forgotten the transgression because I realized that I was allowing words and actions stifle my emotional growth. Today we are actually good friends and know that our own immaturity killed our romantic relationship, but our maturity has allowed us to develop a healthy platonic relationship (yes it is possible for exes to be friends and not sleep together!!)

Nevertheless I find myself today in another situation where the challenge of forgiving and forgetting has presented itself. This time, while the transgressions are worse, I am learning to think more logically and less emotionally before I proceed with action. I am learning that it is easy, really easy to walk out on someone who hurts you, whether it is a significant other,friend or family member, but it takes true resilience to forgive that person. The forgetting part will undoubtedly take a long time, but I think it is the responsibility of both parties to actively patch things back up and facilitate the forgiving. Now let me say that by no means does forgiving and forgetting mean that this individual must remain a part of your life, but what it does mean that you can forgive and forget from afar. The power of forgiveness is the freeness (emotional,physical,ect) we receive by letting go! Holding on does nothing but keep the pain in your life. LET GO! Now I do say this with caution. If you decide to allow for this person to remain in your life you should get to the root of the problem in order to prevent future issues. But at the end of the day LET GO AND LET GOD deal with things. We are not put on this earth to judge, so let he without sin be the first to cast a stone. My goal for the weekend is to forgive anyone who has ever hurt me, whether they are aware of it or not. And to start the process of forgetting their wrong doings. Now imagine a world where everyone forgave and forgot, even their worst enemies….