Family Business

So today on my walk I am taking the time to write the newest blog. Well, yesterday my Uncle, Aunt and Father hosted an impromptu cookout for the phenom known as Rachel Johnson. One word to describe the event, "special". It was the first time in a long time I can remember my grandmother's children all being under the same roof. It was also one of the few times were multiple grandchildren were present. 5/8 to be exact. The food was amazing! Shoutout to Aunt D for opening up her house to everyone that was there, amazing woman as well. Now I am sure as your reading the rudimentary beginning to this story you are wonder "WHEN IS HE GOING TO GET TO THE GOOD SHIT?". Well, in all honesty, there were no fireworks yesterday. I was on my best behavior. I held conversations with my father as well as can be expected. Yes, there were awkward moments throughout the day. Yes, I made comments about situations and such during dinner table discussion. It was to be expected. The beauty of it all, I had to drive home last time and it gave me time to think. My problem is not forgiving my father, again, I did that years ago, it is letting go of all that disappointment, resentment, wasted time, lies and lost love. If I do not have that inside me, what the hell is going to drive me to better? My first thought on any patenting issue, career issue, educational issue was "I AM NEVER GOING TO END UP LIKE HIM". That statement, those thoughts, those emotions drive me, or as I will start saying, drove me. Letting go is something everyone my brother AJ, my Aunt Net, my hommie Kea, all said yesterday at different times in different ways. It's funny that we sometimes cannot see the forest through the trees at times. Me letting go will be something I am willing to work on. At times I really want to give the guy a shot, then sure enough, like water is wet, he does something, says something totally in his character to turn me off. Oh, here is a fun fact of the night; I actually gave the guy a hug. Surprised? Don't be. I have kissed women who are known whores, so I have done worse things. Case in point of him doing something in his character that pissed me off; so I brought two of my coworkers on the visit. The family is going through the usual introduction and it gets to him. "Hi, I'm Arthur, I'm Ravee's.... *insert overly dramatic pause* I'll let him answer that if he wants to". Bruh, you doing the most. That's just one of the many examples of the night. As the night progresses I slide in and out and around the general conversations of the table. Organized religion and the bible were the main topics. We all know I don't talk 2 topics: religion and politics. They just don't interest me. So after those topics were discussed, the topics of family structures, women's roles, being single and interracial dating topics were brought up. I quickly deaded the interracial dating topic. We all know it's what I prefer, not going to change, accept it and move on. My little cousin is currently in one and I was not going to allow the family to ambush her in the conversation as well so I took it over. She's 20. She is just coming into her own and should not have justify anything to them about her heart's preference. The one topic that I had to shut down as well was the "forgiveness" topic. No. We was not going there last night. Wrong place. Wrong time. My family, everyone in it, including me at times have a bad habit of making everything about them. Yesterday was not about me and him, it was about my baby Rachel. The forgiveness issue with my father is something I cannot go without addressing before the year is over but yesterday was not the time. As I come to a close the memories I took from yesterday were all good ones. Great time seeing my baby KC who is growing up so fast, seeing my baby cousins who aren't so young and innocent anymore, my aunt and uncle who drop silent jewels of inspiration and knowledge to me all last night and surprising the woman of decade Mrs. Rachel Johnson.

Lately

When I first started out with the idea of this blog, I wanted to be writing something daily. If not daily, then at least once a week at the minimum. Turns out I have enough excuses to sink the Titanic on why I haven't been back here in awhile. To catch you all up to speed on what has been going on with me: New position at work, new apartment with my brother, began focusing more on daily self-improvement, oldest brother is engaged, big sister is a doctor, oldest brother is having another child (a boy), grandmother is doing well and yes, I am still single. Had few affairs during the Spring, nothing to major. Oh, how can I forgot one major event, I actually have mild communication with my father, yes, I can say "father" in reference to who he is not how he is.  We are planning this major sit down to clear the air once and for all. I have yet to pick the time. I am just not 100% ready to do it. It is just that simple. Am I afraid? Possibly. I sit and think sometimes: "Do I really need this man in my life at all?". A lot of close friends tell me yes, deep down inside, I want it, I really do, but I honestly know I can not handle another ounce of disappointment from him. I just feel like over the course of my life to many chances has been given to a lot of people and I have been burned to many times. Now I am of the age where I am comfortable in who I am as a person, but I am working to improve on those areas I need to, and I just do not have the time, energy or emotion to spear. Every once and a while I get lost in my own thoughts of family, relationships, career, friends and other personal goals I have yet to achieve and wonder if I will have the things I want. At age 27 I would have thought I would have been married by now. SHOCKING, yes, even I wanted to married by age 24/25 at the latest. In my mental time line, I am a few years off course in a lot of areas. My pride, my lack of focus, my selfishness, my fears are all the excuses I use to tell myself this is why I have not obtain the things I wanted. True is, I have no excuse. Moving forward, I am working towards personal growth in 3 areas: Mind, Body, Soul. Mind. I am working hard at work to learn more about the position. I am trying to rethink how I view things, how I react to things, how I process things. Putting myself second, my opinions second, not making myself the main focus is something that I am working on. IT IS VERY TOUGH. Body. I have been taking better care of my self over the past 2 years. I have been eating better and been working out mildly. I physically see a change in my overall health and shape. Soul. I have picked up my bible for the past weeks and started to read Palms. A verse a day. It sounds small but it has open my eyes to a lot of the things I was "confessing" with my mouth. Over the past couple of weeks I have worked on watching what I say and tweet. Realizing now the power in words, I should have been more careful about how and what I say. I still remember to this day me telling everyone back in middle school and early high school I wanted to be a single parent. Clearly now that is not the case. Learning what to say and what not to say feels like it is a lesson learned a little late, but learning is never something that happens to late. Well I am not going to bore you any longer. It felt good to get some of this out. I am working on being more consistent with these posts. Maybe next time I will complain about not being in love, searching for it, not finding it and missed opportunities with it.

Peace.

Fall is here

Sorry for the long wait between post. Sometimes life has a funny way of getting in the way. Well here is the reason for the post this time… that’s right, you guessed it, a female. I will give you a brief recap of my Summer to catch everyone up to speed. Summer was great. Met some new cool people. Enjoyed some good times. Now here comes the Fall. The weather is changing with hurricane rains and cloudy days, but life is still very enjoyable. Now that you are caught up, here we go. So in the last few months my current Ex has been continuously keeping touch with me. Now, I say she has been keeping in touch with me because I never, NEVER initiate a conversation at all being that she is ENGAGED and was pregnant. For some strange reason she continues to, in my eyes, disrespect her current situation by reaching BACK, not out, but BACK to me. Of this I am certain of, her fiance does not know about this communication between us. She would text with simple conversation then out of left field comes “I will never text you again”. I have showed my coworkers over and over the texts and conversations, they would laugh and say “She said that last month right”. Even my brothers and LBs laugh it off. I wish I could attach the conversations on this blog and let you all be the judge. Now here is the event that took place last week. During the Labor Day weekend I worked all weekend. No holiday for me. So my grandmother calls me and tells me “you know I had a visitor last night?” In my mind I am thinking that one of my cousins or my uncle has stopped by the house. I proceed to ask her “Who was it, did Kira (my niece) stay the night this time?” She says “No, Renee and her friend came by and spent the night here last night.” I wanted to go bizerk on the phone. Now if you know my grandmother, she’s very naive to the fact that once I break up with someone I rarely have contact with them again. It is only 3 of my Exs that I keep in touch with. So she tells me the story of how Renee tells her that she was having a family reunion in South Carolina and was going to stop by and see her. Number 1. Why are you still communicating with my grandmother? My brother says its in hopes to get back together. In the words of my kids “THATS DEAD.” So after telling my grandmother that she would be there at 7:30pm to see her, she does not arrive to well after 9:30pm. Another thing I found disrespectful, having my grandmother wait up that late for someone who I do not even care for. Now let me address one word in my grandmother’s quote that would have had me call Renee and verbally abused her… “FRIEND”. If she had the audacity to bring her fiance into my grandmother’s house I would have been obliged to tell him the fact that after weeks of me moving to Maryland I fucked his fiancee in my brother’s house on a bed full of dirty clothes with her pants not fully off her ass. I do not take kindly to disrespect. So when my grandmother told me it was a female friend, I thoughtfully digress. Now what is not clear to me is the reasoning behind it all. Allegedly Renee had plans on staying with my best friend’s ex who she is currently still friends with (I dont have a CLUE why they’re still friend, we both broke up with our Exs during the same month, cool huh) but “she did not pick up her phone”.  Now my grandmother being the great woman she is offers both of them a place to stay for the evening. Now I do fault my grandmother to a certain point. My grandmother has knowledge of some new woman that I am currently dealing with so she clearly knows that there will never be anything close to Renee coming back into my life. Again, I think it was more of her good nature than anything else. My main anger all falls on Renee. I would never call, text, tweet, BBM, or even THINK about visiting her mother let alone SPEND THE NIGHT AT HER HOUSE. (side note, Renee lives here in Maryland as well 25 minutes away to be exact) Now I have yet to speak to Renee about this cardinal transgression she has placed on her engagement, but I clearly will at some point address it accordingly. When the question was brought to her “Why you stayed at that man’s house” she nonchalantly said “it wasn’t a big deal”. Then here is the follow up question to that one “Did your fiancee know?” Of course the answer was “NO”. Sounds like a big deal to me doesn’t it? Her carelessness towards that engagement and blatant disrespect to the fact that we are no longer a couple or anything significant to each other bathers and puzzles me. She needs to get a clue. My brother says “she wants to be out of the engagement and wants you back”. Honestly, I could careless. That train has long gone. All I know, is this act was an act of disrespect and repercussions with be thoughtfully and carefully extracted upon all parties involved.

Dawson and Joey

Well if you really know me, you should’ve seen this one coming. I just want to give notice to the one true love of my life. Crystal Noelle Johnson. She is and will always be the number one lady (other than Rachel Johnson) in my life. She has been there with me through most of the toughest and lowest points of my life. Honestly, she might be the only female that I have loved unconditionally. This is my best friend for those who do not know this name. Now when I say this, I mean it in the truest and most endearing form possible. I can not remember a time when we were together that we were not 10 inches away from each other. In high school, people tend to forget that I was dating her cousin, they used to think we were dating! It was kind of funny though. One of the most vivid conversation I remember having with my high school sweet heart was about Crystal’s and my relationship with each other. I told her, “Yes I love Crystal more than you. After we break up, she still will be there with me.” To this day she has never left my side. Me and Crystal have a plan for life. Basically here’s the plan. If we get married, NOTHING CHANGES! Her husband will eventually come to the understanding that it’s his role to make her happy the best he can, BUT it’s NO replacement for me, as well as my wife. Does this type of relationship hinder us from dating other people? Hell no. I will say this though, if she does not approve of someone I dated, it usually didn’t last. She can just read the women I date. She’s okayed maybe 2 people that I’ve talked to. She tries to come off as intimidating to the women I get romantically involved with. It’s really funny because she’s really not that tough! I remember her coming to my apartment on day in college, I had someone over. She walks in, looks at the girl, then walks into my room and closes the door. I thought it was the funniest thing ever. She did not greet the girl nor gave her the chance to greet her! Crystal is a bully! Her favorite line “Who is this chicken head in your apartment?” She swore I only messed with “Chicken Heads”. I remember our freshman year she told me her little cousin was “OFF LIMITS”. Now I had the biggest crush on her cousin. She was clearly my type. Light skinned, smart, beautiful, great since of humor and did I mention beautiful?! As soon as I told Crystal I had a thing for her cousin, she went into big sister mood! “No, you’re to immature to date her” She as always was right. Years later me and her still have this same relationship. I have rarely liked anyone she dated. Maybe 2 of the guys she has talked to I approved of. The sorry ass dudes that I told her were sorry asses, they stuck around longer than I would’ve liked, but she woke up. When my grandfather passed, she was the 2nd person I called. The only reason why she was number 2 is because it was late at night and I knew she would be just as hurt as I was. When I say my grandfather loved her, he loved himself some Crystal. My family loves her to death. My uncle Anthony calls her “Brown Sugar”. High school graduation was a very awkward day for me. For graduations, Rachel Johnson goes into full grandmother mode and throws parties. Now through out my graduation party I had to explain to everyone EVERYONE that Crystal was not my girlfriend but my BEST FRIEND, while my GIRL FRIEND was there at my party as well! Yea, awkward. I think during college is where our relationship hit a new level though. Well for me anyway. It started the day in high school where she told me she was going to USC. Honestly in my mind, I think she stayed in state for me. Not to sound conceded. Let me give you my reasoning so you can see it from my point of view. Our senior year, our college plans were to go to schools in the same area. Crystal’s school of choice was Maryland. So of course, like the “GOON” I am, I asked her what’s the black college nearest Maryland. HOWARD was her reply. So that was our original plan. She was to attend Maryland and I was to attend Howard. After slacking on my applications my last option that presented it’s self was Benedict. Now here’s something you might not not about Crystal. She was one of the top ATHLETES in South Carolina. I’m going to keep it real. She was robbed our senior year as female athlete of the year! She received several offers from other schools. USC was one of those offers. After I told her that I got an offer for Benedict to play football, she was still debating on Maryland and other schools. She chose USC over Maryland. Honestly in my heart believed that she choose USC over Maryland so that we could be together. Now I could be wrong, she could have been sold on USC after her visit. I just believe our bond is that strong. College was great time for us. Having my best friend play for a D1 university was one the best experiences ever. Home games when I did not have to practice, I would attend with one of my teammates and watch her play. The cool thing about Crystal, she accepted my friends for who there were. My friends and her teammates where NOT of the same up bringing, I’ll just simple put it like that. She would invite them to parties that she had and it would be a very interesting time to say the least. I remember during our freshman year she cut her hair, she knew how I felt about her and her hair. I stopped talking to her for a month! Then she had the nerve to hit me with the most overly used line by women “It’ll grow back”. Honestly that probably was our first fight that lasted that long. I can not ever remember not talking to her. I would go over to her dorm room and just fall asleep. I remember in high school when my grandparents went out of town, she would come spend the night. Our first dinner together we TRIED to fry chicken. I’m just going to leave it like that, TRIED. I can proudly say that Crystal Noelle Johnson is going to be a Doctor in 2012! I can not wait! 1. Cause I have not seen her in close to 2 years. Yes it’s been that long since I have physically seen her. I totally understand the sacrifice she is making to attain her dreams and her goals. I have truly found my soulmate in my best friend. She understands me completely and judges me not at all. So to my best friend, my soulmate Crystal Noelle Johnson I LOVE YOU STUPIDHEAD.

Trust vs Love

This morning it was a tweet that caught my attention. So I retweeted as so: RT @MrRAJohnson: RT @BrandNu11: TRUST is a big thing, right?< I’d put trust 3rd. 1. Love 2. Attraction 3. Trust::. I honestly believe that you love someone before you trust them and not only do you love them before you trust them, your love blinds your trust. It was one of my followers who totally disagreed with me. Matter fact, it was two of them. Now personally, I know them, but I don’t know their relationship history, but I can guarantee that in their past relationship that they loved some so unconditionally that TRUSTED their partners to be faithful. Now my question to these two young ladies… Are you dealing with someone new in your life or is the very first person you loved? Trust can come and go and it has to be earned. Love grows. In a realistic sense, you can lose trust but once you lose love, it’s over. For those who think trust is the most important thing in a relationship, I respect it. I just don’t agree with it.

Are Hoes Really Out Here Winning?

I think before we tackle the question at hand I think we must first define the affectionate term hoe. I will add the declaimer that this term can have different meanings to different people and that both men and women can be hoes, however bc I refuse to be a man basher I will only focus on women. I personally do not think the number of partners you have automatically deem you a hoe, I do, however believe the quality and circumstances in which you find these partners can make you a hoe. As a woman, I believe that some of my female counterparts have NO respect for the gift God has given them. They are willing to give into everyman they meet: married, single, whatever. Additionally i think age plays a large factor. To be promiscuous at the ages of 18-23 is called being misguided and experimenting with your sexuality, but to proudly call yourself a buss it baby and to willingly be a side piece at 25+ gets a HUGE side eye from me.  You obviously are lonely and have no love for yourself. At some point the sleeping around gets lonely. 
I know this from personal experience. It's coo to believe you can sleep with any man you want, I mean men aren't complicated creatures when it comes to sex, but do you honestly want to hold yourself to such low standards?I became fed up with the promiscuity at 22. I will say sleeping around does have its thrills, but after a while sex becomes just sex. Even good sex starts to become meaningless and less than enticing. I always prided myself in being able to separate sex from love but after a while I wanted my sex to be an expression of love. Unfortunately you can not do that if you're sleeping around. It comes back to a saying me and my bff coined "Its not about who your fucking, it's about who's waking up and going to bed with you every night. It's about who will consistently be there thru the good and bad ". The probability of finding that while sleeping w 2 or 3 men is slim to none, so I decided that I would take on a self imposed "celibacy". I place it in quotations bc sometimes you need that ole thang back. I basically decided I wasn't going to have any more partners until I found someone who could possibly fulfill the requirements of being there during the day and night. Me doing this came to a shock to several of my friends. However, it wasn't difficult. I just decided to put my energy into other things including me,myself and I. When I did stumble upon someone who could take on that day and night job, I made the choice to put energy into that. It has paid off pretty well. I won't lie and say that my life is rainbows and butterflies now or that temptation doesn't still present itself, but what I will say is that I am in the learning process of understanding self control. I think it has to do with knowing your worth. When you know what you deserve, you refuse to lower your self worth. That holds true whether your single, dating, or in a relationship. So back to the original question...are hoes really out here winning? In my opinion definitely not. Former free spirits may be winning, hoes always find themselves on the losing and lonely side.  

A Piece of My Mind

I have struggled immensely with figuring out who I am, better yet how I fit in the world. My therapist told me that I am overly introspective. I take on everyones pain, try to fix it, and struggle to find a voice for myself. I wholeheartedly agree. I am a black woman who has found herself in a unique position. I've had the opportunity to experience various socio-economic classes in America. I grew up lower-middle class with friends who were either lower-middle class or in poverty themselves. College took me to the world of the upper-middle class and was an experience that changed my life.


I never realized how poor, how uncultured I was until I went to college. Yes my parents did create experiences for my brother and I that took us out of our neighborhood, but it wasn't until college that everything was placed into perspective. I was the exception not the rule. The fact that I ended up at a prestigious private university while many of my peers did not made me unique. This experience made going home difficult. Once your eyes become open to the bigger picture, it is hard to see and accept close-mindedness. NW Indiana, particularly EC is filled with people who have never travelled off their block, let alone city, state or country. By no means am I bashing or under-minding where I'm from. I love my home and know that experiences in my childhood undoubtedly shaped the woman I have become. However, one becomes aware of this and starts to understand the hopelessness and depression many people back home suffer from even if they don't realize it. If you're never allowed to see the world, then your world becomes small. You begin to live in a state of a deferred dream. I often pray and hope that whatever God has in store for me involves helping people realize that regardless of what you're situation may be, your dream never has to be deferred.


I thought when I graduated college that I had seen it all. That I was "cultured". I had successfully prevailed in an environment that was foreign to me without assimilating or losing my "blackness". Again I was fooled when I moved to Atlanta for grad school. Atlanta is black Hollywood. The young black elite (and ratchet) flourish here and that was something I had never seen. At the same time I was in an academic program at a high class prestigious private university where I was the token surrounded by foreigners of european and Asian decent. Their ideal of what American and what Black American is, was deeply tainted by the media. So I had no choice but to become a poster child. I often wonder do white americans ever feel the pressure of being a poster child or representative for their race. I've had so many people tell me I shouldn't feel that way but it's difficult when you're constantly conscious of your blackness. I love my blackness and think it is beautiful but I often feel the double vail that W.E.B DuBois writes about in Souls of Black Folk( if you haven't read this book I recommend it). I think my current experiences in grad school have started to make me upset w black folk. Why? Bc honestly the world is our oyster yet we often chose to blame others for our demise. Maybe I'm insensitive but in 2011 there are no excuses to not become successful. Yes I know the system is screwed up, but at some point we have to take a stand and take responsibility for the state of our community! I believe that the roll of the talented 10th( whether they exist or not is debatable) is to help the other 90% which we deem "blind". Everyone has become so self and money centered. What good is it to have wealth if your wealth or riches fail to help someone else? I'm starting to ramble so I think I'll end with this: I am a black woman trying to find herself in a chaotic world that before I am born has wrote me off BUT in the words of Zora Neale Hurston:

" I AM NOT tragically colored. There is no great sorrow dammed up in my soul, nor lurking behind my eyes. I do not mind at all. I do not be long to the sobbing school of Negrohood who hold that nature somehow has given them a lowdown dirty deal and whose feelings are all but about it. Even in the helter skelter skirmish that is my life, I have seer that the world is to the strong regardless of a little pigmentation more of less. No, I do not weep at the world!!I am too busy sharpening my oyster knife."