Family Business

So today on my walk I am taking the time to write the newest blog. Well, yesterday my Uncle, Aunt and Father hosted an impromptu cookout for the phenom known as Rachel Johnson. One word to describe the event, "special". It was the first time in a long time I can remember my grandmother's children all being under the same roof. It was also one of the few times were multiple grandchildren were present. 5/8 to be exact. The food was amazing! Shoutout to Aunt D for opening up her house to everyone that was there, amazing woman as well. Now I am sure as your reading the rudimentary beginning to this story you are wonder "WHEN IS HE GOING TO GET TO THE GOOD SHIT?". Well, in all honesty, there were no fireworks yesterday. I was on my best behavior. I held conversations with my father as well as can be expected. Yes, there were awkward moments throughout the day. Yes, I made comments about situations and such during dinner table discussion. It was to be expected. The beauty of it all, I had to drive home last time and it gave me time to think. My problem is not forgiving my father, again, I did that years ago, it is letting go of all that disappointment, resentment, wasted time, lies and lost love. If I do not have that inside me, what the hell is going to drive me to better? My first thought on any patenting issue, career issue, educational issue was "I AM NEVER GOING TO END UP LIKE HIM". That statement, those thoughts, those emotions drive me, or as I will start saying, drove me. Letting go is something everyone my brother AJ, my Aunt Net, my hommie Kea, all said yesterday at different times in different ways. It's funny that we sometimes cannot see the forest through the trees at times. Me letting go will be something I am willing to work on. At times I really want to give the guy a shot, then sure enough, like water is wet, he does something, says something totally in his character to turn me off. Oh, here is a fun fact of the night; I actually gave the guy a hug. Surprised? Don't be. I have kissed women who are known whores, so I have done worse things. Case in point of him doing something in his character that pissed me off; so I brought two of my coworkers on the visit. The family is going through the usual introduction and it gets to him. "Hi, I'm Arthur, I'm Ravee's.... *insert overly dramatic pause* I'll let him answer that if he wants to". Bruh, you doing the most. That's just one of the many examples of the night. As the night progresses I slide in and out and around the general conversations of the table. Organized religion and the bible were the main topics. We all know I don't talk 2 topics: religion and politics. They just don't interest me. So after those topics were discussed, the topics of family structures, women's roles, being single and interracial dating topics were brought up. I quickly deaded the interracial dating topic. We all know it's what I prefer, not going to change, accept it and move on. My little cousin is currently in one and I was not going to allow the family to ambush her in the conversation as well so I took it over. She's 20. She is just coming into her own and should not have justify anything to them about her heart's preference. The one topic that I had to shut down as well was the "forgiveness" topic. No. We was not going there last night. Wrong place. Wrong time. My family, everyone in it, including me at times have a bad habit of making everything about them. Yesterday was not about me and him, it was about my baby Rachel. The forgiveness issue with my father is something I cannot go without addressing before the year is over but yesterday was not the time. As I come to a close the memories I took from yesterday were all good ones. Great time seeing my baby KC who is growing up so fast, seeing my baby cousins who aren't so young and innocent anymore, my aunt and uncle who drop silent jewels of inspiration and knowledge to me all last night and surprising the woman of decade Mrs. Rachel Johnson.

Lately

When I first started out with the idea of this blog, I wanted to be writing something daily. If not daily, then at least once a week at the minimum. Turns out I have enough excuses to sink the Titanic on why I haven't been back here in awhile. To catch you all up to speed on what has been going on with me: New position at work, new apartment with my brother, began focusing more on daily self-improvement, oldest brother is engaged, big sister is a doctor, oldest brother is having another child (a boy), grandmother is doing well and yes, I am still single. Had few affairs during the Spring, nothing to major. Oh, how can I forgot one major event, I actually have mild communication with my father, yes, I can say "father" in reference to who he is not how he is.  We are planning this major sit down to clear the air once and for all. I have yet to pick the time. I am just not 100% ready to do it. It is just that simple. Am I afraid? Possibly. I sit and think sometimes: "Do I really need this man in my life at all?". A lot of close friends tell me yes, deep down inside, I want it, I really do, but I honestly know I can not handle another ounce of disappointment from him. I just feel like over the course of my life to many chances has been given to a lot of people and I have been burned to many times. Now I am of the age where I am comfortable in who I am as a person, but I am working to improve on those areas I need to, and I just do not have the time, energy or emotion to spear. Every once and a while I get lost in my own thoughts of family, relationships, career, friends and other personal goals I have yet to achieve and wonder if I will have the things I want. At age 27 I would have thought I would have been married by now. SHOCKING, yes, even I wanted to married by age 24/25 at the latest. In my mental time line, I am a few years off course in a lot of areas. My pride, my lack of focus, my selfishness, my fears are all the excuses I use to tell myself this is why I have not obtain the things I wanted. True is, I have no excuse. Moving forward, I am working towards personal growth in 3 areas: Mind, Body, Soul. Mind. I am working hard at work to learn more about the position. I am trying to rethink how I view things, how I react to things, how I process things. Putting myself second, my opinions second, not making myself the main focus is something that I am working on. IT IS VERY TOUGH. Body. I have been taking better care of my self over the past 2 years. I have been eating better and been working out mildly. I physically see a change in my overall health and shape. Soul. I have picked up my bible for the past weeks and started to read Palms. A verse a day. It sounds small but it has open my eyes to a lot of the things I was "confessing" with my mouth. Over the past couple of weeks I have worked on watching what I say and tweet. Realizing now the power in words, I should have been more careful about how and what I say. I still remember to this day me telling everyone back in middle school and early high school I wanted to be a single parent. Clearly now that is not the case. Learning what to say and what not to say feels like it is a lesson learned a little late, but learning is never something that happens to late. Well I am not going to bore you any longer. It felt good to get some of this out. I am working on being more consistent with these posts. Maybe next time I will complain about not being in love, searching for it, not finding it and missed opportunities with it.

Peace.